No Remorse, No Apologies, No mercy

Ok Well im sure everyone is wondering what happened to the other two blogs i was going to post. But yeah i dont F**king care! and yes i feel like me right now. Cause i am so stressed and P'Od it isnt F'n Funny right now. I Could Scream i am so pissed beyond believe! so go ahead judge me, censor me, tell me "Oh you can't say that" well guess what kiss my a**! ok you want to no why i am so ticked. The one person i have stood up for, for months and did everything i could for. Has decided, oh well i am not going to speak to him anymore. yeah i think we all know who i am speaking of specially my close friends.

Truly i do not feel very church like right now, and this rage has been building for weeks. Of Countless weeks of being chewed out, told i am wrong, and watching my actions. well the hell with it for now. See what happened I Decided well hey maybe i do want top go on a Mission for my church. Something i take alot of pride in, and really want to do. Which now i question since it has brought so much unwanted rediculous drama in my life the past few days. But yeah i decided at the time maybe i do want to go on one, well i spoke to my old bishop about it. And well that good ole friend of mine who in a previous posted i literally stated asking the world and i quote...."For my friends i ask you to not mention a negative thing about her again...and that means ever around me again. it breaks my heart to hear her name, and breaks it even more to hear somebody speak negative about her"....yeah a blanant standing up for her cause i care and love her. So what happens it gets thrown right back in my face. But yeah she chews me out all because i spoke to my old bishop and he wasnt my last church leader a.k.a mine from the louisville singles ward.

So yeah there you, i get chewed out again.....oh wait IM NOT FINISH! lets see yeah im late for church history cause i am pretty hurt from this. Which she doesnt understand i was already shakey and nervous about myd decision cause i understand how big of a choice this is, and how big going on a mission is, and that i am giving up alot and risking alot. So yeah..i get to math and just because Oh MY freakin Gosh i am not smileing..and i ask Hey can you just leave me alone today...it turns into she refuses to talk to me altogether, she has nothing to do with me outside of class only in class when it is necsesary. and yeah..so i get Fn Screwed again. You Know what I gurrantee i shall get chewed out about this blog just because i said f**k in it, well F**k F**K F**K F**K!

But as i know, i am the bad guy out of this. The world sees me as the bad guy and the story is always twisted..shes sweet inncocent, and i am the dark morbid rebel whose going to burn in hell probably. Well F**k Damnit as big Jarrod would say. I Dont Care anymore im making my own rules, i WILL be more like me instead of a fraud always smileing and nice. Id rather be dark and id rather be morbid. i Love my Rock Music, My Favorite band is and forever shall be Slipknot and i am damn proud of my music. Hey Guess what Children on my decision to join the church.. take a guess at what band i was listening too when i made my decision...oh yeah..SLIPKNOT!. So judge me, tell me how horrible of a person i am, i dont have much left in me to take this s**t anymore, ill be happy when counceling gets here on monday at 2. oh yeah im definitly in counceling, but its good i can vent and get my frustrations out. talking to someone who cares out here is always nice, and he doesnt censor me. So yeah FTW judge me, idc anymore!

The Unquestionable Truth Part 1

Ok, basically there has been so much stuff to happen since i left home back on 5 Jan 09, this blog will prolly spand over a few blogs. Like one will be the trip, than my first week here at school, than up too now. Well, and i write like a stoner, so it will probably be awhile.

Ok well, i said my goodbyes to my close friends that sunday in one last major hangout with Terrah, Matt, Slacker, and Amber. We went to taco bell, which will probably be the last time i go to taco bell and sit down in untill this summer. It just doesnt feel right without the guys and gals there. the Absolute funnest people ive ever had or ever will hangout with again. But yes we all hung out untill like 2 in the morning, and yeah set myself up for 30 minutes of sleep than i had to go shower and catch a plane haha. But it was all worth it, even if i forgot my scripture in KY and am having it mailed to me...it was so worth it hanging out all night one final time for awhile.

Well, me and Allison finally met up at the airport at 6 something, and flew out of state prolly the farthest ive ever actually gone..and it will definitly be the longest. If you want to see a cool sight look out the plane window and see Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium, and Churchill Downs out the window, it was really Neat. Im definitly no Louisville fan but that is something etched into my mind i wont forget. Ok, well after dozeing on and off on the plane (yes this is a trend on both planes lol) we finally landed in Detroit, Michigan.

So everyone knows, after the Lions Perfect Season of 0-16, i didnt see a single bit of a Lions fan anywhere in the Airport (Haha) and here i was walking through in my Green Bay Jacket and beanie. So i know alot of people thought "What an A**hole!" lol. But yea, we basically hung out in the airport for the most part, Ate Some Mcdonalds, which wasnt too bad actually for an airport meal. For Mine and hers together it was only Thirteen Bucks. But yeah, well now here is where the Fun begins haha. We Finally loaded on the plane, everything was on sheduled, Well where sitting on the plane and waiting and waiting,.......i could go on for awile with that. To the point i dozed off asleep, we where sitting on the plane for over an hour, till we got the message the Plane Faile the test. Apparently the hydraulic system was malfunctioning so we could take off in the plane. So than finally we all where unloaded had to wait awhile at another gate and than everyone boarded a different plane. Well here we are once again...playing the almighty Waiting game... First we had to wait for the luggage to be loaded which it took forever..i swear it had to of been two hours, than they had to take the food off the other plane and load it onto ours...which we where all like come the foxtrot on!.

Finally we took off, which is was a nice trip. For the most part while the guy beside me was getting hammered and watching the simpsons, i was reading more of "New Moon" and listening to my Amazeing ipod which stayed on Red for the battery charge for like 2 hours and didnt die on me which is a miracle lol. But than we got into Snowly Salt Lake City, utah. Which that was amazing what little you could see. It is definitly a mountainous State. Only problem at the airport there was only one runway open due to the snow...lol so we had to fly around the friggin city for an extra Hour. Than even more amazing when we landed...we missed the unloading dock by like Six Inches they said. So we had to go a little more forward before we could unload. All of us in First Class where cracking up, we thought it was such a load of BS. So Flying Tip....Dont Go Delta unless you have too lol.

But yeah, it was interesting we where met by Allison's Relatives. Which they where pretty cool it was nice to meet some new faces only being in a new state for an houre. But yeah the snow was way to rough, like it was difficult to see the road. Pretty Wild, nothing like back there in Kentucky. The only time i couldnt see the road back at home was this one time during a really bad Rain storm, like maybe the 5th day i had my car. But yeah we stayed at her Sister Heathers house for the night. Which it was a really nice house, and yeah nice little town i think called West Jordan. So yeah we crashed there for the night...well im bored so ill write more l8r...i told yeah it would be a long story haha...Mr Rated R Out

The Morbid Post

Hey, well this is probably one of my final post before the move out to the rex. Truly right now i am in the worst state of mind i have ever been in my entire life and that is really saying something. As i type this blog my eyes are very saturated and yes i am holding a lot of emotion up right now. But i want every one to read this if you truly care about me. I know none of my friends it seems right now like the fact that i talk to allison still, when all i receive is a world of hurt. I Will admit i love her with my never dieing heart and soul. But she loves someone else, and this is nothing i can do about it.

She is awaiting the arrival of a really great guy named derrick. Derrick the missionary. deep down i'm very gald for her no matter how much it kills me inside. Everyone it is my fault for how i feel, i refuse to say die and i know everyone says she leads me on and than stabs me. That's not true, i just don't know how to take no for an answer. i am way to hard-headed that she wants to be my friend. yes, thats what i get for my heart, the heart that never heals. that still is hurt somewhat still from Stephanie. Allison is the greatest girl alive and i will never deny that. For my friends i ask you to not mention a negative thing about her again...and that means ever around me again. it breaks my heart to hear her name, and breaks it even more to hear somebody speak negative about her. She is not a terrible person, she is truly great, and shall make a great wife for the Bronco Stomping, Elway Cheering Missionary. I regret to state, im not sure if i can attend there wedding cause i have deeply offended people for trying to pursue her. so truly i do not think it would be right for me to attend. I wish the couple the very best in there endeavor's.

As For me, yes i am suffering a regrettful, disappointed, broken heart that is my complete fault. I have nobody to blame but myself. yes, i will admit to everyone i do have some problems, and demons i must seek help for and get cleaned. As To Allisons advice, i will seek that "Free" help on campus and hopefully i will return as a better person. I Do however i will say i do not plan to date anyone for along time. As in the words of my great friend Spencer "Dating is for Fags." I don't plan to pursue a relationship nor do intend on making an effort to throw myself on the market like a piece of meat, to date anyone. A Relationship is out of the question and i simply can't take it anymore. it is way to hurtful, from my mistake with Jordan, clear to Stephanie, to now as i speak with Allison. I Know it is a Sin and i am suppose to be seeking a person to be sealed with in the temple and enter the celestrial kingdom with. But i simply dont have the heart right now and i wont for a long time. I Apologize to everyone for how ive been. i am a disgrace, and truly i feel deep within my heart i really am a horrible person. Right now i could feel my heart fall right out i am motioness, and blank inside. I bid Thee Farewell....ill write again...someday