Drinking a Pepsi In The Dark

You know, i hate it how music gets to you. It is 1:41 am, i have to be at work at 11 tuesday morning. i'm alone listening to Metallica and drinking a pepsi and feel like 200lbs of bird crap. alot of stuff has been getting to me i will not lie and i simply hate i am letting myself go all to hell. i guess i got the ultimate kick to the head last week by tyler by him telling me face to face "when you where mormon" now i feel simply God Awful.

its been awhile since ive been at church and truly idk why i'm letting myself do this. i blame myself completely for this, i guess maybe its my rasieing. i went to church everyday when i was a kid without a problem till i was ten and i simply stopped going, i searched for a new begining became mormon which is still the greatest most powerful decision ive ever made in my entire life without a shadow of a doubt. i still stand by my words, id easily fight for my church. but than i get all my anatagonizers against me it feels. Kim is always breathing down my neck which doesnt help, it honestly is too the point it feels im suffocating anymore it is driving me upside a wall. Im highly embarrassed for my actions yeah i'll come clean ive been laid, high, drunk alot of stuff this summer. i let pressure get too me and wanted to cool off cause ive been so beyond all stressed. the pressure is catching up to me of being now 21, and trying to be successful. i know it isnt the answer, i guess i just remembered how great it felt to just chill and relax. I cant even get my natural high anymore where i can just lay back in a chair with a smile on my face and relax be "high on life."

idk i know i must change, this is rediculous for me and not me whatsoever. i hold back tears everyday cause i am not happy for anything, i honestly feel heartbroken over myself. this isnt the way life should be for me, and the world wants to know yes i'm kind horrified to return to Idaho just cause it was so unbelieveably hard for me. ive never literally had to what it felt like fight to survive out there. i lost my good friend allison out there (which sucked royally), i got dumped by a girl who said i wasnt christlike out there, i cried no telling how many times it got to me so bad trying to make it. i dont feel like a success, i dont feel acheivement or a great accomplishment. except let everyone i know and care about down. i hang my head in shame for not Chooseing the Right.

i know more is expected of me, and yeah i'am depressed. yes i'am stressed beyond max anymore, i simply dont feel proud of myself. like my relationship life sucks...i make out with a gorgeous girl for 20 minutes and she leaves to go have a three way with her chick friend and a druggie. which to me is an ultimate kick in the mouth. i still cant drive cause i sent a courthouse a fine....yet they claim they never got it. so i cant drive my vehicle one thing that is wonderful to me. i can drive that car with my music playing, the windows down and cheering up from my broken dark thoughts. I hate this life so much i would trade it absolutly more than anything. i wonder what has God set aside for me, i was one time told i could be a Bishop very easily. now i feel like some rag down punk. living like this is a nightmare, i mean i even know i should go on a mission. but i don't have the money for that with the bills i have i could never afford it, nor be good enough to go...nor be deserving. i cant finish nothing, i always picture myself in the military by now ....ive been close but not there which is a heartbreaker for me. i would even go for the marines idc it wouldnt matter to me if i was on the frontlines. atleast id be something special. I ask God what is my purpose? am i supposed to do something big? have i been used up already? am i just destined to torture myself like this. think these hardening thoughts and never be happy, never not have stress. Ive Lost my Smile Still along time ago.........

No Remorse, No Apologies, No mercy

Ok Well im sure everyone is wondering what happened to the other two blogs i was going to post. But yeah i dont F**king care! and yes i feel like me right now. Cause i am so stressed and P'Od it isnt F'n Funny right now. I Could Scream i am so pissed beyond believe! so go ahead judge me, censor me, tell me "Oh you can't say that" well guess what kiss my a**! ok you want to no why i am so ticked. The one person i have stood up for, for months and did everything i could for. Has decided, oh well i am not going to speak to him anymore. yeah i think we all know who i am speaking of specially my close friends.

Truly i do not feel very church like right now, and this rage has been building for weeks. Of Countless weeks of being chewed out, told i am wrong, and watching my actions. well the hell with it for now. See what happened I Decided well hey maybe i do want top go on a Mission for my church. Something i take alot of pride in, and really want to do. Which now i question since it has brought so much unwanted rediculous drama in my life the past few days. But yeah i decided at the time maybe i do want to go on one, well i spoke to my old bishop about it. And well that good ole friend of mine who in a previous posted i literally stated asking the world and i quote...."For my friends i ask you to not mention a negative thing about her again...and that means ever around me again. it breaks my heart to hear her name, and breaks it even more to hear somebody speak negative about her"....yeah a blanant standing up for her cause i care and love her. So what happens it gets thrown right back in my face. But yeah she chews me out all because i spoke to my old bishop and he wasnt my last church leader a.k.a mine from the louisville singles ward.

So yeah there you, i get chewed out again.....oh wait IM NOT FINISH! lets see yeah im late for church history cause i am pretty hurt from this. Which she doesnt understand i was already shakey and nervous about myd decision cause i understand how big of a choice this is, and how big going on a mission is, and that i am giving up alot and risking alot. So yeah..i get to math and just because Oh MY freakin Gosh i am not smileing..and i ask Hey can you just leave me alone today...it turns into she refuses to talk to me altogether, she has nothing to do with me outside of class only in class when it is necsesary. and yeah..so i get Fn Screwed again. You Know what I gurrantee i shall get chewed out about this blog just because i said f**k in it, well F**k F**K F**K F**K!

But as i know, i am the bad guy out of this. The world sees me as the bad guy and the story is always twisted..shes sweet inncocent, and i am the dark morbid rebel whose going to burn in hell probably. Well F**k Damnit as big Jarrod would say. I Dont Care anymore im making my own rules, i WILL be more like me instead of a fraud always smileing and nice. Id rather be dark and id rather be morbid. i Love my Rock Music, My Favorite band is and forever shall be Slipknot and i am damn proud of my music. Hey Guess what Children on my decision to join the church.. take a guess at what band i was listening too when i made my decision...oh yeah..SLIPKNOT!. So judge me, tell me how horrible of a person i am, i dont have much left in me to take this s**t anymore, ill be happy when counceling gets here on monday at 2. oh yeah im definitly in counceling, but its good i can vent and get my frustrations out. talking to someone who cares out here is always nice, and he doesnt censor me. So yeah FTW judge me, idc anymore!

The Unquestionable Truth Part 1

Ok, basically there has been so much stuff to happen since i left home back on 5 Jan 09, this blog will prolly spand over a few blogs. Like one will be the trip, than my first week here at school, than up too now. Well, and i write like a stoner, so it will probably be awhile.

Ok well, i said my goodbyes to my close friends that sunday in one last major hangout with Terrah, Matt, Slacker, and Amber. We went to taco bell, which will probably be the last time i go to taco bell and sit down in untill this summer. It just doesnt feel right without the guys and gals there. the Absolute funnest people ive ever had or ever will hangout with again. But yes we all hung out untill like 2 in the morning, and yeah set myself up for 30 minutes of sleep than i had to go shower and catch a plane haha. But it was all worth it, even if i forgot my scripture in KY and am having it mailed to me...it was so worth it hanging out all night one final time for awhile.

Well, me and Allison finally met up at the airport at 6 something, and flew out of state prolly the farthest ive ever actually gone..and it will definitly be the longest. If you want to see a cool sight look out the plane window and see Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium, and Churchill Downs out the window, it was really Neat. Im definitly no Louisville fan but that is something etched into my mind i wont forget. Ok, well after dozeing on and off on the plane (yes this is a trend on both planes lol) we finally landed in Detroit, Michigan.

So everyone knows, after the Lions Perfect Season of 0-16, i didnt see a single bit of a Lions fan anywhere in the Airport (Haha) and here i was walking through in my Green Bay Jacket and beanie. So i know alot of people thought "What an A**hole!" lol. But yea, we basically hung out in the airport for the most part, Ate Some Mcdonalds, which wasnt too bad actually for an airport meal. For Mine and hers together it was only Thirteen Bucks. But yeah, well now here is where the Fun begins haha. We Finally loaded on the plane, everything was on sheduled, Well where sitting on the plane and waiting and waiting,.......i could go on for awile with that. To the point i dozed off asleep, we where sitting on the plane for over an hour, till we got the message the Plane Faile the test. Apparently the hydraulic system was malfunctioning so we could take off in the plane. So than finally we all where unloaded had to wait awhile at another gate and than everyone boarded a different plane. Well here we are once again...playing the almighty Waiting game... First we had to wait for the luggage to be loaded which it took forever..i swear it had to of been two hours, than they had to take the food off the other plane and load it onto ours...which we where all like come the foxtrot on!.

Finally we took off, which is was a nice trip. For the most part while the guy beside me was getting hammered and watching the simpsons, i was reading more of "New Moon" and listening to my Amazeing ipod which stayed on Red for the battery charge for like 2 hours and didnt die on me which is a miracle lol. But than we got into Snowly Salt Lake City, utah. Which that was amazing what little you could see. It is definitly a mountainous State. Only problem at the airport there was only one runway open due to the snow...lol so we had to fly around the friggin city for an extra Hour. Than even more amazing when we landed...we missed the unloading dock by like Six Inches they said. So we had to go a little more forward before we could unload. All of us in First Class where cracking up, we thought it was such a load of BS. So Flying Tip....Dont Go Delta unless you have too lol.

But yeah, it was interesting we where met by Allison's Relatives. Which they where pretty cool it was nice to meet some new faces only being in a new state for an houre. But yeah the snow was way to rough, like it was difficult to see the road. Pretty Wild, nothing like back there in Kentucky. The only time i couldnt see the road back at home was this one time during a really bad Rain storm, like maybe the 5th day i had my car. But yeah we stayed at her Sister Heathers house for the night. Which it was a really nice house, and yeah nice little town i think called West Jordan. So yeah we crashed there for the night...well im bored so ill write more l8r...i told yeah it would be a long story haha...Mr Rated R Out

The Morbid Post

Hey, well this is probably one of my final post before the move out to the rex. Truly right now i am in the worst state of mind i have ever been in my entire life and that is really saying something. As i type this blog my eyes are very saturated and yes i am holding a lot of emotion up right now. But i want every one to read this if you truly care about me. I know none of my friends it seems right now like the fact that i talk to allison still, when all i receive is a world of hurt. I Will admit i love her with my never dieing heart and soul. But she loves someone else, and this is nothing i can do about it.

She is awaiting the arrival of a really great guy named derrick. Derrick the missionary. deep down i'm very gald for her no matter how much it kills me inside. Everyone it is my fault for how i feel, i refuse to say die and i know everyone says she leads me on and than stabs me. That's not true, i just don't know how to take no for an answer. i am way to hard-headed that she wants to be my friend. yes, thats what i get for my heart, the heart that never heals. that still is hurt somewhat still from Stephanie. Allison is the greatest girl alive and i will never deny that. For my friends i ask you to not mention a negative thing about her again...and that means ever around me again. it breaks my heart to hear her name, and breaks it even more to hear somebody speak negative about her. She is not a terrible person, she is truly great, and shall make a great wife for the Bronco Stomping, Elway Cheering Missionary. I regret to state, im not sure if i can attend there wedding cause i have deeply offended people for trying to pursue her. so truly i do not think it would be right for me to attend. I wish the couple the very best in there endeavor's.

As For me, yes i am suffering a regrettful, disappointed, broken heart that is my complete fault. I have nobody to blame but myself. yes, i will admit to everyone i do have some problems, and demons i must seek help for and get cleaned. As To Allisons advice, i will seek that "Free" help on campus and hopefully i will return as a better person. I Do however i will say i do not plan to date anyone for along time. As in the words of my great friend Spencer "Dating is for Fags." I don't plan to pursue a relationship nor do intend on making an effort to throw myself on the market like a piece of meat, to date anyone. A Relationship is out of the question and i simply can't take it anymore. it is way to hurtful, from my mistake with Jordan, clear to Stephanie, to now as i speak with Allison. I Know it is a Sin and i am suppose to be seeking a person to be sealed with in the temple and enter the celestrial kingdom with. But i simply dont have the heart right now and i wont for a long time. I Apologize to everyone for how ive been. i am a disgrace, and truly i feel deep within my heart i really am a horrible person. Right now i could feel my heart fall right out i am motioness, and blank inside. I bid Thee Farewell....ill write again...someday

Way to go!

So last Sunday Vince spoke in church, and it was his first time. He did a good job and I'm proud of him! Now if only my talk goes as well tomorrow lol!

The Rated R Post back Under Control

Haha, Since it seems i have a little free time..and that Allison is on a date tonight so im not that distracted ill update my blog insted of her lolz. Too answer a question many people are wondering..me and Allison are just friends...For Now...i do not know what will happen..Of course everyone knows what i personally hope happens and in the words of one of my favorite People in the world "If its Meant to happen, It Will."

Ok so everyone is wondering what is currently going on with me? well ill try my best to answer everything. As of Right Now I Am Flying out to Utah with Allison on 5 Jan 09, which the church and Allison has helped me gain my plane ticket due to some unfortunate matters which i would rather not go into. its just "Family Problems" and i will leave it at that. But Yeah i will be flying out First Class (Thank You William Shattner and your cheap deals at Priceline.com...thats www.priceline.com) at 8:01 am, and arrive in Detroit at 9 something i think for a two hour layover, than i fly from there into Salt Lake City, Utah where me and Alli shall grab her car and drive up together to Rexberg, Idaho where Brigham Young University Idaho is where obviously i will pick things up from there. Obviously check into my room and everything. But yeah that will basically be my home for the next few years, i will return eventually...if it was soon the only reason would be if i was dateing somebody from here at in KY, or I manage the cash to fly back here for christmas once my Finals are done next December.

I do want to see everyone again definitly since i will not see you guys for awhile. Ive had a few ideas here and there...obviously party the night than get to the airport and get my sleep on the plane in ole" Vince Fashion lolz. but yeahs if anyone has any ideas let me know im almost up for anything from here till January 5th when i leave the airport. my only thoughts has been a major rockband night, or a freezeout bomb fire. yeah i havent though about it that much. so lets all be alive man! and Rock the F**k out while im still here. I know right now my plans on that final sunday, is more than Likely i will go to church that morning in my old Lagrange Ward, than i want to watch the Kentucky/Lousiville Game with my Grandfather since it will be the last game we watch together for awhile and thats something that means alot to me.

Incase is people are wondering my College Shedule is
M W F 6:30Am-7:30Am Military Physical Conditioning (ROTC)
M W F 9am- 10am US Military History (ROTC)
M W F 11:30 Am-12:30 Am Church History

T T 9am-10am Social Dance
T T 11:30am-1PM Intro To Visual Arts
T T 3:15pm-4:14pm Huber J Grant Life Skills

F 4:45pm- 5:45pm Music Lessons Percussion (Band)

And Yes, I am beyond looking forward to ROTC Conditioning that should be a blast.

I am Currently still working on getting all the pictures uploaded so just bare with me. Even with high speed Satellite internet now it still takes awhile lolz. Also....so if everyone is wondering why i am rideing with my grandfather again to alot of places or rideing with friends. My Insurance wanted me to pay a regular monthly payment again of insurance when i will only be here like 2 more weeks...and i refuse to pay $300 bucks again so Screw that! i refuse....so i will take the walk of shame and get a ride and pay people gas.

Anyways i guess i am out and remember...In life there are Winners...than there are Loser....be Jealous

Okay, I have finally taken over his blog I think lol! He never seems to update so he told me I could add myself... and I did. Tonight after work he came over to my house and hung out with Mom, Papa, and I. We had a little lesson then off to the kitchen it was. Mom and Papa went upstairs to work on Christmas gifts, so Vince and I baked sugar cookies! How exciting! I decided to force him to be in the Christmas mood this year. We baked 7 dozen cookies then iced about half of them before he headed home.

After adding4 cups of floor, you have to mix by hand or the mixer blows up. As I was adding the floor I kind of 'missed' the bowl and got Vince... opps!
The cookie press was giving us a challenge at first, but we got it working... Christmas trees
I was taking the trees out of the oven :)
Yummy!