Hey, well this is probably one of my final post before the move out to the rex. Truly right now i am in the worst state of mind i have ever been in my entire life and that is really saying something. As i type this blog my eyes are very saturated and yes i am holding a lot of emotion up right now. But i want every one to read this if you truly care about me. I know none of my friends it seems right now like the fact that i talk to allison still, when all i receive is a world of hurt. I Will admit i love her with my never dieing heart and soul. But she loves someone else, and this is nothing i can do about it.
She is awaiting the arrival of a really great guy named derrick. Derrick the missionary. deep down i'm very gald for her no matter how much it kills me inside. Everyone it is my fault for how i feel, i refuse to say die and i know everyone says she leads me on and than stabs me. That's not true, i just don't know how to take no for an answer. i am way to hard-headed that she wants to be my friend. yes, thats what i get for my heart, the heart that never heals. that still is hurt somewhat still from Stephanie. Allison is the greatest girl alive and i will never deny that. For my friends i ask you to not mention a negative thing about her again...and that means ever around me again. it breaks my heart to hear her name, and breaks it even more to hear somebody speak negative about her. She is not a terrible person, she is truly great, and shall make a great wife for the Bronco Stomping, Elway Cheering Missionary. I regret to state, im not sure if i can attend there wedding cause i have deeply offended people for trying to pursue her. so truly i do not think it would be right for me to attend. I wish the couple the very best in there endeavor's.
As For me, yes i am suffering a regrettful, disappointed, broken heart that is my complete fault. I have nobody to blame but myself. yes, i will admit to everyone i do have some problems, and demons i must seek help for and get cleaned. As To Allisons advice, i will seek that "Free" help on campus and hopefully i will return as a better person. I Do however i will say i do not plan to date anyone for along time. As in the words of my great friend Spencer "Dating is for Fags." I don't plan to pursue a relationship nor do intend on making an effort to throw myself on the market like a piece of meat, to date anyone. A Relationship is out of the question and i simply can't take it anymore. it is way to hurtful, from my mistake with Jordan, clear to Stephanie, to now as i speak with Allison. I Know it is a Sin and i am suppose to be seeking a person to be sealed with in the temple and enter the celestrial kingdom with. But i simply dont have the heart right now and i wont for a long time. I Apologize to everyone for how ive been. i am a disgrace, and truly i feel deep within my heart i really am a horrible person. Right now i could feel my heart fall right out i am motioness, and blank inside. I bid Thee Farewell....ill write again...someday
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