Drinking a Pepsi In The Dark

You know, i hate it how music gets to you. It is 1:41 am, i have to be at work at 11 tuesday morning. i'm alone listening to Metallica and drinking a pepsi and feel like 200lbs of bird crap. alot of stuff has been getting to me i will not lie and i simply hate i am letting myself go all to hell. i guess i got the ultimate kick to the head last week by tyler by him telling me face to face "when you where mormon" now i feel simply God Awful.

its been awhile since ive been at church and truly idk why i'm letting myself do this. i blame myself completely for this, i guess maybe its my rasieing. i went to church everyday when i was a kid without a problem till i was ten and i simply stopped going, i searched for a new begining became mormon which is still the greatest most powerful decision ive ever made in my entire life without a shadow of a doubt. i still stand by my words, id easily fight for my church. but than i get all my anatagonizers against me it feels. Kim is always breathing down my neck which doesnt help, it honestly is too the point it feels im suffocating anymore it is driving me upside a wall. Im highly embarrassed for my actions yeah i'll come clean ive been laid, high, drunk alot of stuff this summer. i let pressure get too me and wanted to cool off cause ive been so beyond all stressed. the pressure is catching up to me of being now 21, and trying to be successful. i know it isnt the answer, i guess i just remembered how great it felt to just chill and relax. I cant even get my natural high anymore where i can just lay back in a chair with a smile on my face and relax be "high on life."

idk i know i must change, this is rediculous for me and not me whatsoever. i hold back tears everyday cause i am not happy for anything, i honestly feel heartbroken over myself. this isnt the way life should be for me, and the world wants to know yes i'm kind horrified to return to Idaho just cause it was so unbelieveably hard for me. ive never literally had to what it felt like fight to survive out there. i lost my good friend allison out there (which sucked royally), i got dumped by a girl who said i wasnt christlike out there, i cried no telling how many times it got to me so bad trying to make it. i dont feel like a success, i dont feel acheivement or a great accomplishment. except let everyone i know and care about down. i hang my head in shame for not Chooseing the Right.

i know more is expected of me, and yeah i'am depressed. yes i'am stressed beyond max anymore, i simply dont feel proud of myself. like my relationship life sucks...i make out with a gorgeous girl for 20 minutes and she leaves to go have a three way with her chick friend and a druggie. which to me is an ultimate kick in the mouth. i still cant drive cause i sent a courthouse a fine....yet they claim they never got it. so i cant drive my vehicle one thing that is wonderful to me. i can drive that car with my music playing, the windows down and cheering up from my broken dark thoughts. I hate this life so much i would trade it absolutly more than anything. i wonder what has God set aside for me, i was one time told i could be a Bishop very easily. now i feel like some rag down punk. living like this is a nightmare, i mean i even know i should go on a mission. but i don't have the money for that with the bills i have i could never afford it, nor be good enough to go...nor be deserving. i cant finish nothing, i always picture myself in the military by now ....ive been close but not there which is a heartbreaker for me. i would even go for the marines idc it wouldnt matter to me if i was on the frontlines. atleast id be something special. I ask God what is my purpose? am i supposed to do something big? have i been used up already? am i just destined to torture myself like this. think these hardening thoughts and never be happy, never not have stress. Ive Lost my Smile Still along time ago.........